Day 1

I am grateful that I live only a mile away from work. I am grateful for the hours I do get the sleep. 

Some Updates on the Family

Mike and I have reached adulthood by achieving a huge milestone in our adult journey. We became members of Sam's Club. Yes. It does make me feel more like an adult. I would have loved to have joined Costco but with Sam's Club 2 blocks down the street it was hard to justify buying Costco over Sam's. For the record, I still think Costco is the better of the two.

Delaney has been assessed and diagnosed with a slight speech delay. She talks her Delaney language 24/7 but really hasn't been saying much in English. I liken it to Joey learning French on the show Friends. We say the word and then a completely different sound emerges from that cute mouth. She will be getting speech therapy.

Mike is reffing volleyball everyday of the week pretty much. Financially, we were unprepared for the lack of Mike reffing during the summer. It put us in a pinch but we have learned our lesson and are now stowing money away. Buying the Civic had a larger impact on our finances than we had thought it would.

I am teaching away. I start my masters, a program on technology and eLearning, on October 5th. I have already received some of my books for class and started reading them. I am an information junky and I have come to realize that reading is kind of an obsession.

My program will take one year. I chose this degree because it will help me find a job teaching online and I also want to learn how to incorporate more technology in my classroom. Each class lasts 5 weeks. I have only 2 weeks off during that year, Christmas and spring break.

It all happened quick. I decided to get my degree, looked at programs, requested program information, received a call from a admissions specialist, applied, and was accepted into the program within a week and a half. It was quick but I am thrilled and excited. I love learning. I can't wait to be a student again.

My OK

I am currently teaching my sophomores about Spoken Word poetry. I love it. They love it. There are some amazing poets in this word. I had my students write their own poem. A philosophy I have in my classroom is that I don't give assignments to my students that I wouldn't do myself. It cuts down on the busy work and I think it helps my students to know that I do the work too.

A lot of spoken word poems are about emotional events and memories in the writers life. I wrote my poem about my miscarriage. I read it to them which was hard but I do the same things my students do.

This poem is about the moments when I see a baby or receive a bill in the mail for my D and C. This isn't an all the time emotion. It's a strike at the heart for a few minutes emotion.

So here it is:

My OK
by Emily Garrard

It’s not OK.

That is what the Doctor said.

IT’S NOT OK.

You’re right.

It’s not.

It aches.

It throbs. I

t disappears for a time.

But then an infant fills my eyes,

and that spasm tackles from the corner.

My baby.

Dead.

Reminded.

Again.

It’s not OK.

Absence makes love grow fonder.

Right.

Vacancy creates questions.

Questions and questions and uncertainty.

My baby. Dead. Vacant. Unseeable.

Anger grows then fades.

Tears never drop.

Only uncertainty rolls through the vitality.

Don’t say it. That is their request.

I say it because it’s real.

Because it can’t be contained.

Because it is NOT OK.

My Ok is not yours.

It creeps in infinitesimally.

It is space that attacks.

My baby was mine.

Gone. Ethereal. Intangible.

OK. Mine. 

A Student with Honor

Recently I caught three students cheating  on a reading quiz. One of the students, we will call her Sarah, shocked me with cheating. It was extremely out of character for her. There are some kids I see around school and they seem to have a different countenance that screams "I have integrity and I value it." Sarah is one of those students. I had her sister in class last year and she had this same countenance. Well, I went through the day and almost forgot about it when Sarah comes into my room after school. She explained what had happened and how a classmate had seen her put down the wrong answer and wrote the right one on his page for her to see. She didn't realize what he was doing until I came and took away the papers. She kept apologizing and was crying. It was a moment that touched me because she was one of the many students caught cheating who had ever apologized and was upset about what happened. I gave her a hug and thanked her for the apology. The grade is still a zero but she maintained trust with me. I loved that she valued her integrity so much. I called her mother and thanked her for raising such wonderful young women with strong integrity and honor. If it wasn't for the Prozac I probably would have been crying with Sarah. There are good kids and there is hope for our future.

Strange Addiction

I have come to a realization that I have a weird addiction. I can't stop giving my kids assignments. The reason why this is so strange is because ultimately I am killing myself with loads of grading. I guess I might subconsciously love grading and the stress it brings. Either way, something has got to give. So now my solution is to only give assignments that are pre-planned. Let's see how this goes. 

So you want to be a teacher...

Year two has started. It is a very different feeling this year compared to last year. My 2014 seniors told me that the first day I was mean and strict. They were all worried that my class would just be a miserable experience. I loosened up after a couple weeks and I fell in love with my kids. The beginning of the year is thrilling for me because I realize that I have so much love to give. I learn about who they are as individuals, their struggles, and their likes. I want to love all of my kids, and there are some who are more difficult to love but I try just the same.

This year I feel more in control of my organization and classroom management style. I discovered who I am as teacher last year and that makes this year so much easier. I also love that I didn't have to set my classroom up from scratch. I love that my units are already planned and it makes life easier to have an idea of what it will look like in action. I love being known by kids in the school. So many of my previous sophomores come to visit and say hello. I have had 7 or 8 graduated seniors come visit me. One of them really surprised me when he showed up. We will name him Victor. Victor is a smart kid but lazy. That is the combination that drives me nuts as a teacher. He barely squeezed through and graduated. I wrote him a farewell note that talked about not sabotaging his future. My grandma told me, while I was a high school student, that I sabotage myself. I give up opportunities because I am lazy or just don't want to do it. I saw this in Victor. When school was done, he came and thanked me for the words and he was so heartfelt in his gratitude. Victor drove me nuts but I loved him as best as a teacher can love their students.

That is why I do my job. I do it for the students. I do it because I love learning. I love sharing ideas and igniting the curiosity in my students. They make the job worth it. Or maybe I am a masochist. Who really knows.

This year I have 120 senior honors students. That is a 50% increase. I had 80 last year. I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed. I am very worried about my ability to help each student as much as possible. Grading essays, HW, and classwork is a nightmare because I have to focus, be responsive, and give as much feedback as I can. This is the biggest struggle for me this year. The class sizes are ridiculously massive. I hate that I spend most of my weekends, when I am responsible, grading or creating lesson plans. So in total, I have 240 kids.

For some more exciting news, I am starting my master program! I start October 5th. I am nervous but thrilled. I am studying technology and eLearning. It is through Concordia University which is located in Portland, Oregon. My friend, Jessica Witt, is going to be doing the same program. We are going to be study buddies and moral support for one another. I am scared to start because it is going to be more stress and work.

Since the miscarriage of Baby 2, I have seen trying to figure out what is next for me. I have wondered why the miscarriage happened. I believe that all trials happen for a reason. I started thinking about Delaney and the role model I want to be for her. I thought about my career and how I LOVE being a teacher. I came to a realization that I needed to get my masters degree. I decided to get my masters and within a week I had applied and was accepted into the program. Things happened fast but it is just a confirmation that this is what I need to do.

I am mostly scared because I won't be enough for my students, family, and self. One thing they don't talk about in education classes is that the hardest thing is never being or having enough. There isn't enough hours in the day to grade, write lessons, and also be a mother/wife. There isn't enough resources provided to do lesson plans that will be a huge help to students. There isn't enough energy to be at your best performance ability all the time. There are not enough kids who realize that education is a key component of their future success. There isn't enough room in my class for all 44 students, plus the desks and furniture. There isn't enough time in a period or week to teach things as deeply as possible. Sometimes I feel like I only ever have enough time to get the basics in but then run out of time to dig deeper and apply to a real life situation. So that is the hardest thing: not being/having enough.

Tuscany: Golden Hour

Tuscany is my dream today. 

Look at its beauty. What struck me about Tuscany is the light, and the depth it gives to the world shown in the picture. My favorite time of the day has always been what I call the "golden hour" which is after the harsh, penetration of afternoon sun and before the vastness of nights darkness. It happens as the sun drops to the edge of the world and the rays giving loving good byes. The sun light turns the world to a golden shade that turns ugliness into beauty. The world looks different during golden hour. I love seeing this difference. Even Vegas looks beautiful during the golden hour.

 As I look at these pictures all I see is light and color. It makes my soul ache with desire to see this place in person. If there is one thing that I have gained from reading it is the ability to romanticize. I watch a movie or read a book and I am struck with the qualities that make the time or region seem golden like the golden hour of the day.

 People talk about how when they finish reading a book and they feel this deep loss when they finish. It is something that I am felt because of the romanticizing. I learn so much about human nature and the world as I read books and watch movies. I love that feeling. I just finished watching "Under the Tuscan Sun" and it makes my dreams take shape into the soft hills of Italy with its bountiful fields and flourishing sunlight. I am suddenly dreaming of leaving and living in Italy. I wonder about the place I would live, the people I would meet, the food I would eat, and the many experiences I would have. What is interesting about these dreams is that it would require me to leap and dive into unknown waters. I am not quite as adventurous as I was as a child. It is a quality that I miss having. Becoming a mother brought this fear into my life because suddenly I had something so precious to live for and take care of each day.

I have slowly realized one of the unexpected things that came with being a new mother was extreme and unfounded worries. The anxiety took from me the ability to be present in the light. To see things with the golden light that I love so much. I am learning to tell myself that there is nothing to worry about and if there is something to worry about I won't worry about it until it is time and present in my life. Anxiety is a fear of the potential danger and loss in the future. It is full of "what if's" that most likely will never come true. It is almost like believing that you are a fortune teller and think you know exactly what will happen. You don't know and that is just adding loss to your life. You're losing moments of happiness to moments of fear that will probably never come true. You lose. You don't gain during moments of anxiety.

That is the tough thing though about anxiety. It a deeply personal feeling that feels so real the pain pierces your soul even if it hasn't happened. If you a fear loved ones death, but only the "what if they die" then you a mourning their death that hasn't even occurred. You are losing those moments with them that they are alive.

As I am writing this, I am realizing that it is a mindset that traps you into fear and worry. It is a mindset that takes time to change and learn new positive methods of thinking. The mind is a place of wonder and danger. I think that is why I am in love with the idea of living in Tuscany. It is a golden place that reflects love, family, and growth. That is how it is always portrayed in the movies and books. It is a place where characters find peace and contentment. It is where characters find the golden qualities of life.

Bring Peace to My Life

Life is a constant struggle to discover. The porblem is trying to figure out what you need to discover versus what you want to discover. I am a 24 year old woman. I am married to a handsome man who loves me with passion. I am the mother of a vivacious, fiery, two year old girl who thinks I am the sun and stars. I am a teacher who fights every day to teach my kids not only to be better readers and writers but how to be a decent human being. I am a daughter of two wonderful parents who have taught me that endurance and perseverance are skills that I will always need and how to learn them with grace.

I am writing because there is an ache in my heart(Figurative, not literal. I am not having a heart attack). I am not sure when or why it started but it is something I have come to notice during this summer break. It could come from a plethora of things such as money worries, job worries, family worries, eternal worries, and so on but I think it is because I am looking for something.

I was always taught that to change things or improve you need to set a goal. Goals need to have measurable steps. Yet I am coming to realize that my ultimate goal in live is to find peace and contentment with the choices and actions that I have in my life. How can you measure peace and contentment? Feelings are not quantifiable even though it is something that human beings have sought to measure from the beginning of time.

I think that peace and contentment come from a multitude of things but what is missing from my daily life is creation. I am not a crafts and scrap-booking kind of woman. I love reading. I love ideas. I love learning. I never feel more alive than when I am studying and learning which is why I loved college. It was an environment that burned my fires of creativity and learning. 

I loved living in Rexburg because of the learning environment it represents. Leaving that oasis of peace has been difficult for me. It has been a year since we have moved and life is radically different. My great aunt has written a blog called "Creating a Life You Love" and I have read it before and loved it. It was a mantra that I added to my life during my student teaching semester that I found changed my perspective of life.

I learned to create. I wouldn't consider myself a creative person(I am definitely no Aunt Allison), but I know that I can create.  There was this power that came from knowing that I can create a life that I love and wanted to live. Suddenly life zinged with promise and I looked forward to the next day and its surprises.

So I am going to seek this power of creating again. I am happy in life. I love my husband, daughter, family, and job. I am just looking for a way to make life sing with little more oomph.  I think my aunt said it best when she wrote: "I was slowly coming to embrace the understanding that both suffering and joy are part of the same whole. I began to drop my judgment about how I thought life should be and started trusting life as it is"(Allred). That is my trouble. I think about how life should be or what I want it to be. Day dreaming is a curse and a necessity.

Day dreaming keeps us focused on our goals but it can also make one lose the value of the present. I am going to start doing what my aunt challenged her readers to do which is to "start trusting life as it is"(Allred). I am going to create.

Work Cited:

Allred, Tamera S. "The Story of Stillness." Web log post. Creating a Life You Love. N.p., 21 Dec. 2012. Web. 23 July 2014. <http://www.creatingalifeyoulove.net/the-story-of-the-stillness/>.

My Miscarriage

Well as the title announces, I had a miscarriage. It happened about two weeks ago. Based on what we know, I was 13 or 14 weeks pregnant. Little Baby G stopped developing at 8.5 weeks. We had our first appointment on May 19th and the baby measured 8.5 weeks which wasn't where I was according to the doctors calculations. We scheduled another ultrasound two weeks later to check on the baby and see if there was growth. I had a slight worry when the baby was small the first ultrasound. I decided to not let the worry eat at me because there was nothing I could do but wait to see if there was a change 2 weeks later. I had dealt with postpartum depression and anxiety after Delaney was born and it was then that I learned that I needed to not let things I can't control take over my mind.

I went on teaching and grading. We had just under 2 weeks left of school. It was an exciting time. I completed my first year of teaching, I chaperoned the senior trip to Disneyland, I watched my seniors walk the stage at graduation, and I was pregnant. Some of my seniors had guessed that I was pregnant before school let out. Word got out and my kids were all so excited. When 6th period seniors found out they all yelled in excitement. I originally wasn't going to tell them until the last day of school but things got out. It was fun sharing my news with them and seeing how excited they were for me.

Ultrasound 2 was scheduled for June 6th. We had a relaxing beginning of the day. I loved not waking up early and going to work. I also loved not having to put make up on and getting dressed up for work.  We went to our appointment with Delaney in tow. Our doctor is this quirky woman who makes you feel comfortable really quickly. We were hoping to make it to a lunch date with Mike's mom and sisters. The doctor got the ultrasound going and pretty quickly realized that there was no change. She said she was sorry but the baby was no longer developing. I don't really remember what I was thinking, and all I said was "It's ok." It was surreal. The doctor said "It's not ok. This is never ok." At the time that bugged me but now I get it. Mike and I were both in shock. We decided to get the D & C the next morning.  Delaney had no idea what was going on because she was obsessed with the pigeons out the back window. That girl loves her any kind of animal.

I had surgery Saturday morning and then spent the rest of the weekend resting. I wasn't sad at first. I was mostly confused and shocked. Monday was the day that it really hit me. I watched my seniors graduate and I was emotional. I was so proud of them and excited but still torn up about what I should be feeling about the miscarriage. It is confusing because you had lost something that you never held. I know there was a baby there, I was sick for two months to prove it, but now there is nothing. It reminds of Arya when she says: "Nothing is just nothing," which is true. It's gone and there is no physical evidence of its existence. It's confusing about how I should feel about it because I didn't meet this little baby and I think that's where most of the pain comes from. I watch Delaney and her personality. I get mad because I won't get to see what that baby's personality would be like and see them grow and change. I feel pain because of the absence of what I don't know. When I change Delaney's diaper and she kicks, my first instinct is to protect my stomach. There's no point to do that anymore. I feel normal again, and that reminds me of the absence.

I think right now I am mourning the lost opportunity. Our December plans have changed because we are no longer expecting baby #2 in December. Mike has noticed that too. He says he will see something like a double stroller and think we need it but then remember we only have Delaney now.

I fear that I am making this sound more dramatic than it is. For 90% of the day I am happy and normal. It is just small moments. I haven't cried over it. I have just felt loss and hurt. I felt guilty, at first, because I wasn't distraught. I just hurt because of the loss. Miscarriage is a terrible experience, but right now it's not my worst (knock on wood). There has been blood and pain, but the most difficult thing has been trying to figure out what I feel about the situation. People tell me that the baby was just too pure for this world, and that they reached the goal of attaining a body. People have also told me that I will have an opportunity to raise the baby in the next life. These are all consistent with the LDS belief system, and I don't doubt it. It just doesn't comfort me, because at this point in time what matters is what I have lost today.

Mike has been so solid during this whole experience. He has been there to care for me and support me throughout this whole trial. I am amazed at how much closer I feel to him through this shared loss. That has been the greatest blessing from this experience. I know there will be more opportunities for pregnancy and children. I am not worried about that too much (there is the fear of it happening again, but I choose to not worry about that unless it happens again). I have also found a greater love and appreciation for Delaney. I find that I cherish her achievements and memories more because of the loss.

Feel bad for what happened, but don't feel pity. It is a sad event but not a destroying one. I am writing this all down because I need to validate what happened. I need to make it real, and writing it down and sharing this information makes it a part of my history. Hiding sad things only gives them power to hurt you more. There is a special healing that comes from sharing our griefs and trials.