My Miscarriage

Well as the title announces, I had a miscarriage. It happened about two weeks ago. Based on what we know, I was 13 or 14 weeks pregnant. Little Baby G stopped developing at 8.5 weeks. We had our first appointment on May 19th and the baby measured 8.5 weeks which wasn't where I was according to the doctors calculations. We scheduled another ultrasound two weeks later to check on the baby and see if there was growth. I had a slight worry when the baby was small the first ultrasound. I decided to not let the worry eat at me because there was nothing I could do but wait to see if there was a change 2 weeks later. I had dealt with postpartum depression and anxiety after Delaney was born and it was then that I learned that I needed to not let things I can't control take over my mind.

I went on teaching and grading. We had just under 2 weeks left of school. It was an exciting time. I completed my first year of teaching, I chaperoned the senior trip to Disneyland, I watched my seniors walk the stage at graduation, and I was pregnant. Some of my seniors had guessed that I was pregnant before school let out. Word got out and my kids were all so excited. When 6th period seniors found out they all yelled in excitement. I originally wasn't going to tell them until the last day of school but things got out. It was fun sharing my news with them and seeing how excited they were for me.

Ultrasound 2 was scheduled for June 6th. We had a relaxing beginning of the day. I loved not waking up early and going to work. I also loved not having to put make up on and getting dressed up for work.  We went to our appointment with Delaney in tow. Our doctor is this quirky woman who makes you feel comfortable really quickly. We were hoping to make it to a lunch date with Mike's mom and sisters. The doctor got the ultrasound going and pretty quickly realized that there was no change. She said she was sorry but the baby was no longer developing. I don't really remember what I was thinking, and all I said was "It's ok." It was surreal. The doctor said "It's not ok. This is never ok." At the time that bugged me but now I get it. Mike and I were both in shock. We decided to get the D & C the next morning.  Delaney had no idea what was going on because she was obsessed with the pigeons out the back window. That girl loves her any kind of animal.

I had surgery Saturday morning and then spent the rest of the weekend resting. I wasn't sad at first. I was mostly confused and shocked. Monday was the day that it really hit me. I watched my seniors graduate and I was emotional. I was so proud of them and excited but still torn up about what I should be feeling about the miscarriage. It is confusing because you had lost something that you never held. I know there was a baby there, I was sick for two months to prove it, but now there is nothing. It reminds of Arya when she says: "Nothing is just nothing," which is true. It's gone and there is no physical evidence of its existence. It's confusing about how I should feel about it because I didn't meet this little baby and I think that's where most of the pain comes from. I watch Delaney and her personality. I get mad because I won't get to see what that baby's personality would be like and see them grow and change. I feel pain because of the absence of what I don't know. When I change Delaney's diaper and she kicks, my first instinct is to protect my stomach. There's no point to do that anymore. I feel normal again, and that reminds me of the absence.

I think right now I am mourning the lost opportunity. Our December plans have changed because we are no longer expecting baby #2 in December. Mike has noticed that too. He says he will see something like a double stroller and think we need it but then remember we only have Delaney now.

I fear that I am making this sound more dramatic than it is. For 90% of the day I am happy and normal. It is just small moments. I haven't cried over it. I have just felt loss and hurt. I felt guilty, at first, because I wasn't distraught. I just hurt because of the loss. Miscarriage is a terrible experience, but right now it's not my worst (knock on wood). There has been blood and pain, but the most difficult thing has been trying to figure out what I feel about the situation. People tell me that the baby was just too pure for this world, and that they reached the goal of attaining a body. People have also told me that I will have an opportunity to raise the baby in the next life. These are all consistent with the LDS belief system, and I don't doubt it. It just doesn't comfort me, because at this point in time what matters is what I have lost today.

Mike has been so solid during this whole experience. He has been there to care for me and support me throughout this whole trial. I am amazed at how much closer I feel to him through this shared loss. That has been the greatest blessing from this experience. I know there will be more opportunities for pregnancy and children. I am not worried about that too much (there is the fear of it happening again, but I choose to not worry about that unless it happens again). I have also found a greater love and appreciation for Delaney. I find that I cherish her achievements and memories more because of the loss.

Feel bad for what happened, but don't feel pity. It is a sad event but not a destroying one. I am writing this all down because I need to validate what happened. I need to make it real, and writing it down and sharing this information makes it a part of my history. Hiding sad things only gives them power to hurt you more. There is a special healing that comes from sharing our griefs and trials.