My OK

I am currently teaching my sophomores about Spoken Word poetry. I love it. They love it. There are some amazing poets in this word. I had my students write their own poem. A philosophy I have in my classroom is that I don't give assignments to my students that I wouldn't do myself. It cuts down on the busy work and I think it helps my students to know that I do the work too.

A lot of spoken word poems are about emotional events and memories in the writers life. I wrote my poem about my miscarriage. I read it to them which was hard but I do the same things my students do.

This poem is about the moments when I see a baby or receive a bill in the mail for my D and C. This isn't an all the time emotion. It's a strike at the heart for a few minutes emotion.

So here it is:

My OK
by Emily Garrard

It’s not OK.

That is what the Doctor said.

IT’S NOT OK.

You’re right.

It’s not.

It aches.

It throbs. I

t disappears for a time.

But then an infant fills my eyes,

and that spasm tackles from the corner.

My baby.

Dead.

Reminded.

Again.

It’s not OK.

Absence makes love grow fonder.

Right.

Vacancy creates questions.

Questions and questions and uncertainty.

My baby. Dead. Vacant. Unseeable.

Anger grows then fades.

Tears never drop.

Only uncertainty rolls through the vitality.

Don’t say it. That is their request.

I say it because it’s real.

Because it can’t be contained.

Because it is NOT OK.

My Ok is not yours.

It creeps in infinitesimally.

It is space that attacks.

My baby was mine.

Gone. Ethereal. Intangible.

OK. Mine. 

A Student with Honor

Recently I caught three students cheating  on a reading quiz. One of the students, we will call her Sarah, shocked me with cheating. It was extremely out of character for her. There are some kids I see around school and they seem to have a different countenance that screams "I have integrity and I value it." Sarah is one of those students. I had her sister in class last year and she had this same countenance. Well, I went through the day and almost forgot about it when Sarah comes into my room after school. She explained what had happened and how a classmate had seen her put down the wrong answer and wrote the right one on his page for her to see. She didn't realize what he was doing until I came and took away the papers. She kept apologizing and was crying. It was a moment that touched me because she was one of the many students caught cheating who had ever apologized and was upset about what happened. I gave her a hug and thanked her for the apology. The grade is still a zero but she maintained trust with me. I loved that she valued her integrity so much. I called her mother and thanked her for raising such wonderful young women with strong integrity and honor. If it wasn't for the Prozac I probably would have been crying with Sarah. There are good kids and there is hope for our future.

Strange Addiction

I have come to a realization that I have a weird addiction. I can't stop giving my kids assignments. The reason why this is so strange is because ultimately I am killing myself with loads of grading. I guess I might subconsciously love grading and the stress it brings. Either way, something has got to give. So now my solution is to only give assignments that are pre-planned. Let's see how this goes. 

So you want to be a teacher...

Year two has started. It is a very different feeling this year compared to last year. My 2014 seniors told me that the first day I was mean and strict. They were all worried that my class would just be a miserable experience. I loosened up after a couple weeks and I fell in love with my kids. The beginning of the year is thrilling for me because I realize that I have so much love to give. I learn about who they are as individuals, their struggles, and their likes. I want to love all of my kids, and there are some who are more difficult to love but I try just the same.

This year I feel more in control of my organization and classroom management style. I discovered who I am as teacher last year and that makes this year so much easier. I also love that I didn't have to set my classroom up from scratch. I love that my units are already planned and it makes life easier to have an idea of what it will look like in action. I love being known by kids in the school. So many of my previous sophomores come to visit and say hello. I have had 7 or 8 graduated seniors come visit me. One of them really surprised me when he showed up. We will name him Victor. Victor is a smart kid but lazy. That is the combination that drives me nuts as a teacher. He barely squeezed through and graduated. I wrote him a farewell note that talked about not sabotaging his future. My grandma told me, while I was a high school student, that I sabotage myself. I give up opportunities because I am lazy or just don't want to do it. I saw this in Victor. When school was done, he came and thanked me for the words and he was so heartfelt in his gratitude. Victor drove me nuts but I loved him as best as a teacher can love their students.

That is why I do my job. I do it for the students. I do it because I love learning. I love sharing ideas and igniting the curiosity in my students. They make the job worth it. Or maybe I am a masochist. Who really knows.

This year I have 120 senior honors students. That is a 50% increase. I had 80 last year. I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed. I am very worried about my ability to help each student as much as possible. Grading essays, HW, and classwork is a nightmare because I have to focus, be responsive, and give as much feedback as I can. This is the biggest struggle for me this year. The class sizes are ridiculously massive. I hate that I spend most of my weekends, when I am responsible, grading or creating lesson plans. So in total, I have 240 kids.

For some more exciting news, I am starting my master program! I start October 5th. I am nervous but thrilled. I am studying technology and eLearning. It is through Concordia University which is located in Portland, Oregon. My friend, Jessica Witt, is going to be doing the same program. We are going to be study buddies and moral support for one another. I am scared to start because it is going to be more stress and work.

Since the miscarriage of Baby 2, I have seen trying to figure out what is next for me. I have wondered why the miscarriage happened. I believe that all trials happen for a reason. I started thinking about Delaney and the role model I want to be for her. I thought about my career and how I LOVE being a teacher. I came to a realization that I needed to get my masters degree. I decided to get my masters and within a week I had applied and was accepted into the program. Things happened fast but it is just a confirmation that this is what I need to do.

I am mostly scared because I won't be enough for my students, family, and self. One thing they don't talk about in education classes is that the hardest thing is never being or having enough. There isn't enough hours in the day to grade, write lessons, and also be a mother/wife. There isn't enough resources provided to do lesson plans that will be a huge help to students. There isn't enough energy to be at your best performance ability all the time. There are not enough kids who realize that education is a key component of their future success. There isn't enough room in my class for all 44 students, plus the desks and furniture. There isn't enough time in a period or week to teach things as deeply as possible. Sometimes I feel like I only ever have enough time to get the basics in but then run out of time to dig deeper and apply to a real life situation. So that is the hardest thing: not being/having enough.